self-care

Love Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor

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The second Great Commandment, according to Jesus, is “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Many religions and sacred texts echo the same sentiment.

In my coaching with church leaders, I discover pastors and church leaders that hold to the commandment. Pastors love their parishioners. They love people in general. It is part of their calling, to love as Christ first loved them. Unfortunately, they are not always so loving toward themselves. Pastors tend to be their own worst critics. They blame themselves if their churches are not growing. They work long hours and are on-call 24/7/365. Holy days, like Christmas and Easter, are joyous celebrations spent with family for most; for pastors, they can be long, stressful work days.

Here are 12 suggestions for pastors to practice loving themselves the same way they love others:

1. Take your day off. No emails, no phone calls, no sermon preparation. Get out of town if necessary. Do something you enjoy, just for you. Focus on your family, your pets, your friends, yourself.

2. Take all of your vacation. Again, really take it. Do not respond to calls and emails. Maybe even refrain from social media. Read for fun, no study or sermon prep. Even if you take a stay-cation, do the things you want to do that have nothing to do with your ministry.

3. Take all of your continuing education time and funds. Pastoral ministry is one of the few vocations that allow for continuing education. Take advantage of it. It will improve your ministry and be a gift to your church. It is also good for you, particularly if you use your time to learn something new or focus on aspects of ministry for which you are most passionate. There are many ways to spend continuing education—programs, courses, retreats, conferences, independent study, study travel—are some examples. I have clients who spend a portion of their continuing education stipend on coaching, counseling, or spiritual direction. Use it while you have it.

4. Get a coach, counselor, or spiritual director. I know a few pastors who have all three, which they use for different purposes. Lectionary groups are great for sermon prep and mutual support, but a professional can help you focus on specific needs and goals. They also give you a level of confidentiality that you cannot get anywhere else.

5. Put yourself first. You need quiet time to listen to God and pray. You need to eat and sleep well. You need to exercise and spend time in the fresh air. Pastors get so occupied with the needs of others that they neglect their own needs. Remember the safety instructions from your last flight: Put your mask on before assisting another.

6. Be true to yourself. Preach and teach what you believe. Do the things that you believe God is calling you to do even if your parishioners don’t agree. This is easier said than done, but you will be a much happier person if you are authentically you.

7. Be open to others’ ideas. Authenticity doesn’t mean pig-headed. Listen to what others can teach you and be willing to change. Try to understand the point of view of other people. It will make it easier to love them, and for them to love you.

8. Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Admit when you’re wrong or you messed up. Ask forgiveness of others when appropriate. Note what you learned from the experience. Forgive yourself. Move on. Too many pastors beat themselves up for past mistakes, or for not being perfect.

9. Forgive others. Holding onto anger, hurt, and grudges only hurts you. Forgiving others allows you to move on and focus on the present and the future instead of dwelling in the past.

10. Don’t compare yourself with others. You are the only you, and there is no one else like you. Likewise, you can be no one but yourself. Comparing yourself with others is self-defeating. Instead, focus on your uniqueness. What do you offer than no one else can? Celebrate what makes you, you.

11. Seek rhythm, not balance. Life is not balanced. At times, we have to set aside what we want to do for what we have to do. This happens often in ministry. No one dies or gets sick on our schedule. Instead of striving endlessly for balance between work and home life, try looking for rhythms and flow in your days and weeks.

12. Accept that life is hard sometimes. Sometimes you just have to get through it. And you will get through it. The full version of Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer is perhaps the best way to state this.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as [God] did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that [God] will make all things right
If I surrender to [God’s] Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with [God]
Forever and ever in the next.

A New Year, A New You?

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I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. They are fine for people who believe in them, particularly if they have the perseverance to stay with them throughout the year. I prefer on-going self-awareness and evaluation that leads to improvement and habit-change throughout the year.

Still, approaching a new year does cause us to reflect on the past year, and think about things we would like to be different in the coming year. I offer here a few questions that may help you with this kind of self-reflection:

  • What happened in my life this past year that gave me the most energy or joy? How can I create more of these kinds of happenings in the coming year?
  • What in the past year has drained me of energy? How can I have less of these kinds of experiences in the next year?
  • What did I accomplish this past year that gave my life more meaning?
  • What do I want to do next year that will give my life more meaning?
  • What did I do this year to help someone else have a better life?
  • What would I like to do next year to make the world a better place?
  • Of what do I need to let go next year to create something new or be more focused on what I really want?
  • What can I do (or not do) each day/week/month to be more self-aware and more engaged in the kind of life I want for myself?
  • What wrongs do I need to forgive, or bridges do I need to build, to have better relationships in the coming year?
  • If I could accomplish only one thing next year, what would it be?

If coaching is one of the things you would like to consider doing for yourself, contact me for a free, no-obligation, no-pressure consultation.

Stressed Out?

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Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Many of us can relate to these words from the Twenty One Pilots song Stressed Out. We don’t like stress. We try to avoid it, and when we feel it we try to get rid of it. We blame stress for keeping us from doing things that challenge us. We use it as an excuse when we don’t want to take on another project or activity. Stress has become a buzzword in our conversations:

  • I’m so stressed!
  • The stress is killing me!
  • Don’t stress me out!

Actually, stress is a natural part of who we are. It is simply a physiological change in our bodies when we experience fear, discomfort, or challenge. Stress can be bad for us, but it can also be good.

In her book, The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal talks about the benefits of stress. “The latest science reveals that stress can make you smarter, stronger, and more successful. It helps you learn and grow. It can even inspire courage and compassion.” She adds,

The best way to manage stress isn’t to reduce or avoid it, but rather to rethink and even embrace it.

This seems contradictory to everything we have been taught about stress, and is therefore difficult to believe. However, the research supports her claim.

My own experience tells me that she is right.

I remember being afraid to speak in front of groups, and even more fearful of dealing with conflict situations. However, my career depended upon me doing these things on a regular basis. When I learned to think differently about the stress I experienced before any of these activities, I found that it gave me more energy and focus. The stress didn’t go away. Even after years of doing these things, I still feel stress. But instead of be avoiding it or trying to get rid of it, I try to embrace it.

How do you make this shift? According to McGonigal, its quite simple. You change your mindset about stress. “Adopting a more positive view of stress reduces what we usually think of stress-related problems and helps people thrive under high levels of stress.”

Dictionary.com list these synonyms for stress: significance, meaning, emphasis, consequence; weight, value, worth. When we feel stress, it is a sign that what is causing the stress has meaning for us, or else we would not be stressed about it. Studies also show that people who experience stress have a more meaningful life and a stronger sense of purpose.

If you avoid stress, you will never accomplish anything of significance.

Try shifting your thinking about stress with these five ideas:

  1. When you feel stress about something, ask yourself, “What is the significance of this for me?  or What is the value that it holds?
  2. Take a values assessment. You can find one here, or create your own. Knowing your core values will help you rethink why you experience stress.
  3. Put this message on your laptop or bathroom mirror, “A little stress can be a good thing.”
  4. When you have to do something that makes you stressed, embrace the stress as a positive energy to help you succeed.
  5. Find a coach to help you shift your thinking about the stressors in your life. A good coach will guide you through a process of changing your mindset about your fears, self-doubt, and barriers to success. Contact me for a free consultation to learn more.

We all get stress out. It is how we view that stress that can either help us or harm us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Coach’s Confession

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“The only thing keeping you from getting what you want is yourself. The only thing keeping you from the joy you deserve is the disempowering story you keep telling yourself. But what if you decided right now to offer yourself a new core of belief? What if everything in your life, including the most painful and traumatic events, was happening for you, not to you? What if everything was designed for you to actually have a greater life and have more to give and more to enjoy?” – Tony Robbins

As a coach, I want to embrace comments like these. When I work with clients, I encourage them to reach for the life they want. This is not just something I do because it’s what coaches are supposed to do. I do it because I believe that it’s possible to have the life we want … to an extent.

My hesitancy comes from real life experience. I know that there are limitations in life, and that we cannot always control everything that happens. For example, people with cancer have very little control over the disease. They have choices about treatment options and how they choose to live with the disease, but they can’t wish it away.

Ask anyone with cancer what they want, and they will most likely tell you that they want to be cancer-free. Ask any parent of a child with cancer what they want, and they will tell you they want their child to be well. Unfortunately, we do not always get what we want.

My step-son has cancer. I want him to be completely healed. I want him to live to see his children grow up. When I read articles and books like the one from which this quote is taken (Tony Robbins), I find myself feeling cynical and sometimes angry because they seem to discount real life problems like my step-sons’. Nothing against Tony Robbins or others who encourage us to choose happiness. I agree with them in theory.

I have to remind myself that the article is not about things that happen to us. It is about our emotions and thought processes. My initial reaction to these statements come from the emotional part of my brain because this is a very emotional issue for me. It hurts that I cannot make it all better for my step-son or those who love him most. I cannot wish my son well.

However, I can choose how to deal with what I am feeling about his situation. I can choose to remain hopeful about his prognosis. I can choose to support cancer research. I can make a conscious decision to be joyfully present in the moments I have with him and his family.

Within any given situation, we have the power to choose how to respond. Although I do not agree with Robbins that any life events can happen “for” us, I do believe that we can make choices about how we want to be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically in any given situation. We can choose to look for the positives and live into these. We can choose to make a situation work “for” us as much as possible. We can choose to live lives of gratitude, hope and grace.

What if you chose to have a greater life and have more to give and more to enjoy?

Ten Things Pastors Can Do to Have a Great Day

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Pastoral ministry is hard work, and often stressful. We have the privilege and responsibility of accompanying people through their most vulnerable circumstances. Our parishioners have expectations of us, and look up to us for guidance and moral example. It is easy to succumb to the burdens of ministry, and to put ourselves last on the list of those who need care.
To be healthy and happy leaders, we need to be intentional about our own attitudes and self-care. I offer here ten things that pastors can do each day to have a better day. This is not a complete list, but just a few ideas I want to share with you.

  1. Start your day with happy thoughts. Research shows that for every negative emotion, we need three positive emotions to overcome an overall negative point of view. When you first wake up in the morning, think of someone or something that makes you happy, remember a joke or a funny occurrence. Say, “thank you” for a new day, and a good night’s sleep. Put a smile on your face first thing and it will go with you the rest of the day.
  2. Schedule time for exercise or play. Take a walk or hike. Play a game with your children. Go to the gym. Find some way to get your body moving for at least 10 minutes. Do this three times a day and you will have exercised for 30 minutes. This will make your body and your mind stronger, and make your feel better.
  3. Greet everyone you meet with a smile. Whether it is your family, a stranger on the street, a parishioner, or a co-worker, smile and say “hello.” Take at least one minute to talk with each person at work and at home. Let them know they are important to you, and you will be important to them.
  4. Listen more than you speak. In prayer, listen to God more than you talk to God. Listen to other people who are sharing themselves with you. Be intentional about giving them your undivided, undistracted attention.
  5. Listen to yourself. Be aware of how you are feeling emotionally and physically. Do you need a break from what you are doing? Are you thirsty or hungry? Are you able to focus on what you are doing or the person you are visiting? Being aware of your own emotional and physical needs helps you do what you need to take care of yourself, and be more in the moment.
  6. Eat well. Healthy meals and snacks make for a healthier, happier you. Make good choices about what you put into your body. When eating, be mindful of tastes, textures and smells, and avoid eating too fast. Really savor your food. You may find that you eat less and enjoy it more.
  7. Set healthy time boundaries. A 40-50 hour week is enough for any pastor. When you over-function or overwork, you set a poor example for your staff and parishioners. Hold dear your family and alone time. Keep Sabbath. When you go home, be home. Let go of the concerns of the workday, and be present with your family, God, and yourself.
  8. Let others own their own problems, and make their own choices. Be present for others, but you are not called to fix others or dole out unsolicited advice. Give it only when it is requested.
  9. Trust your staff and volunteers to do their tasks. Give encouragement, but don’t micromanage. Ministry is a communal affair. Even Jesus called people and equipped them to share in his ministry. He loved them even when they made mistakes, and he trusted them enough to send them out on their own. Micromanaging not only takes too much of your energy, it also disrespects the gifts and skills of others.
  10. End your day with gratitude. Just like you start your day with happy thoughts, finish your day by giving thanks to God for your life, your family, and your call. Name specific things and people from your day. Go to sleep with gratitude in your heart, and good thoughts on your mind.

What do you like to do to have a great day? Post your thoughts so that my readers and I might learn good habits from you.
If you want someone to help you have the life you want, contact me. I am committed to helping congregational leaders be the people God created them to be – whole, happy, and exceptional.